For the Love of Florida

I'm out of the loop quite often, but in my boredom-induced internet bumbling, I have learned that one of the new designers on Project Runway is from my neck of the woods!

Ben Chmura apparently resides in Tampa, and won a Best of the Bay award a few years ago. His name sounded familiar, and I'm awaiting a response from my sister to see if she knows him. If anyone knows anyone in Tampa it's her. I live nearly an hour and a half away from her, and I still have people that ask if I know Erica Heiden. Its kind of disconcerting to have people ask which fabrics are suitable for dance costumes in the same sentence that they inquire about the members of my family...

Anyways, I'm excited to see what this chap has to offer. He's a transplant, originally a New-Englander, so I'm a bit worried on how he plans to represent MY Florida.

I HATE the fact that when most people think of Florida fashion, they instantly go to flamingo pinks and mint greens, oversized button-down shirts and strawhats, and old people. Yes, that is what makes Florida appear so appealing to the rest of the nation, which is apparently made up of only wheat and corn, (I'm lookin at you Nebraska!) or sleet and disdain. (Seattle, anyone?)

I blame Hemingway. As the holder of a degree in English, I am required by law to love him, whether I like it or not. But he ruined my state! He turned Florida into Key West! It's not all beaches and bars here. I would much rather have Zora Neale Hurston's view on the land be the authority.

When I see My Florida in my head, I see the muted colors of the buildings where cement was mixed with sand. I see palmetto green flora and amethyst clouds. I see the mahogany branches of the mangroves and the still, black water shimmering on an alligator's nose. And nowhere in sight are there mouse-ears or t-shirts that say "Hog's breath is better than no breath at all."

Natural Florida is a force to be reconed with. If you've ever seen the plant life, you know how hardcore it is. Grass is not natural here. All the lush lawns you see were brought here from other places and need special conditions just to survive against our badass plants. Look at sawgrass! Let's see your pretty lawn fight off that mofo! Plantlife here has evolved in many crazy ways to survive the climate. Most are just green, with no flowers, and rigid, sharp edges. Sometimes I wonder what the Spanish were thinking when they called this place "land of the flowers"

The plants are all such vicious contenders in the botany world, that they can't even fight each other, and when they get overgrown, we have to burn them all down! It's called prescribed burning. That's why Smokey the Bear now says "Only you can prevent wildfires!" instead of "forrest fires". Cause our forrests deserve it when they wont play nice.

And before you freak out and say prescribed burning is unnatural and detrimental, just know that there are a lot of thunderstorms here for a reason. Tampa is the lightning capital of the western hemisphere (apparently Nepal is the world capital), and when people don't set those fires, nature sets them herself. She gave us the idea.

The people who live here, too, have to be pretty hardcore just to survive. The majority of the state was originally swampland, and had to be worked and drained to make it liveable. There are still large areas that are uninhabitable. And the weather is pretty unique. Hot and humid. Not only are you hot, but YOU CAN'T SWEAT na-na-na-boo-boo!

I went to Vegas on my honeymoon. In August. So I know NOW that Florida is not nearly as bad as it gets when it comes to heat. Let it be known that I DID pass out after a short walk from the Venetian to Caesar's Palace. You can't sweat there either folks. It evaporates before it even gets out of your skin!

If I were to ever given the chance to reinstate Florida fashion, I would take inspiration from the rugged swamp, and make all my fabrics out of linen, rayon, cotton and bamboo. Light stuff designed for hot, sticky weather. I would do away with the Key West/ South Beach air, embroidered souvenier t-shirts, and maxi dresses. I will allow the flip-flop as long as it is tastefully done. None of this plastic B.S.

I just hope this snowbird on Project Runway dosen't taint my state's already bad name. Represent, my homie! Please, please, represent.